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Self-care is very important. I believe that it is crucial to take care of one’s emotional needs. However, there is a difference between caring for oneself and being self-absorbed. Looking out for others and not seeing yourself as the centre of attention adds to our level of self-care. This is because emotionally healthy people are less needy and more open to change, thus more open to others.
No one is perfect. Self-improvement is a lifelong journey for many. This post is for people who feel that they complain too much or are too self-absorbed. Fortunately, if you are a well-meaning person, then no matter your shortcomings, those who love you will be forgiving. After all, love is not expecting someone to be perfect. It’s accepting their imperfections as well as good qualities.
Here are my tips on becoming less self-absorbed.
Let the other person finish.
We all interrupt each other when speaking. Most of the time it isn’t conscious. We are often so eager to put our idea out there that we forget that a conversation is meant to be two-sided. As mentioned in the wonderful book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, giving the other person time to finish what they are saying without interrupting makes a conversation less stressful. It let’s the other person feel heard and appreciated, and also gives you more time to consider your response. A good way to practice not interrupting people is to wait a beat after they have finished. Most people will trail off after having uttered their statements, giving you a good window to then respond.
Ask others how they are.
When speaking to someone you care about, if you have been talking about yourself for a while, remember to ask how they are doing. Ask what they think, what they have been up to. This is a great way to be less self-absorbed. Finding ways to draw the other person into the conversation takes the spotlight off yourself and reminds them that you care and that they matter to you. Even if what they are saying doesn’t make much sense to you or interest you, THEY as a person interest and matter to you. Giving them space to talk reinforces your love for them.
Don’t use your friends as therapists.
Contrary to what this awesome song says, I don’t think that friends or loved ones should be used as people to vent everything to. People who love you will accept and tolerate things if they know you are coming from a place of goodness. However, even if they do care and respond well, it isn’t fair to dump all of your personal troubles onto others. No one wants to be that friend who is always absorbed in their personal woes.
Is it okay to vent and complain now and again? Absolutely. Is it healthy to cry to friends when you have a legitimate problem? Of course. A break up, not getting the job you wanted, family troubles, anxiety about work — any sincere friend will gladly listen when you have a legitimate issue. However, constantly complaining because a movie you wanted to watch isn’t on Netflix or your pen ran out of ink or the weather isn’t how you want is tiresome and unfair on those around you. They may humour you, but eventually it becomes boring and people will be less likely to want to talk to you.
I know, the truth hurts. But sometimes we have to step back, see our own actions and behaviour and realize where we’ve gone wrong. This is how we grow as people.
Many people who complain a lot do so because of underlining sadness or worry or anguish, not because they are awful people. Someone who constantly moans about their dating life is probably sad that they haven’t acquired a long-term partner. They may feel lonely. These sad feelings get transferred to complaining. Similarly, constant sarcasm and self-deprecation are often masks for inner sadness. We all have ways of masking our sad feelings. (Think Chandler from Friends.)
This brings me to my next point:
Get a therapist, and/or keep a diary.
For those minor day-to-day frustrations, jotting them down to yourself or to a professional who won’t judge you is a much healthier way to handle them. Complaints and frustrations need to go somewhere. Knowing that you can dump them onto someone who you are paying to listen to your problems can actually make you less likely to complain. Once you realise that you have a safe space to moan, you may find that you won’t moan as much as you thought.
(If you are looking for some therapy to help get you through these tough times of covid, I recommend Betterhelp. I have found it to be a great service.)
Don’t ‘one-up’ others in conversations.
When someone tells you how great something was, there is no need to automatically say ‘this thing I did was also great/better!’ Instead, let the other person enjoy their great feeling. Ask them more about it BEFORE jumping in with your own input. The key here isn’t to make your life become all about others. That is also very unhealthy and leads to neediness and codependence. It’s to learn to share yourself with others rather than seeing others as an extension of yourself. Toxically self-absorbed people see those in their life as tools. They don’t value people for their humanity and character.
Your friends and loved ones are whole people with their own flaws, worries, dreams, quirks etc. However you feel, they probably have experienced similar emotions or experiences. The details may differ but we are all having similar human experiences. Whatever is happening to you has likely happened to thousands of others.
Learn to think before you speak.
If, like me, you’re very talkative, this may seem impossible. But a simple way to do this is to count to three slowly in your head before responding. Pausing allows the other person to finish their sentence. It also gives you time to think about how to respond inclusively. You’ll be amazed at how much better and more mutually rewarding your conversations will be. You also may find that you actually pay attention to what others say and learn things.
Conclusion
I hope this helps anyone who feels that they complain too much or struggle to listen to others. Again, those who out-talk others and whinge frequently are not bad people. We just need to become more self-aware and think outside ourselves when around others. When you’re alone you have all the space to be self-absorbed. But when with friends or family, it’s time to think outside yourself, and not just expect them to bounce off everything you say or do. Hooray!
