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There’s a lot of talk on the online sphere about ‘toxic masculinity‘ and now ‘toxic femininity.’ I would argue that when it comes down to it, toxic behaviour exists regardless of gender. There are some toxic traits more typical of men and some more typical of women. (Brings us to that old nature-nurture debate.)
Female vs Male Aggression
Men are more likely to engage in physical abuse towards one another. Women are more likely to engage in psychological abuse. This includes body-shaming, slut-shaming, virgin-shaming, and sneering at other women (or use indirect aggression rather than direct aggression). Evolution made us compete for natural resources. Being the less physically dominant sex, women needed to find the strongest male who would provide the most resources. This meant having to use our wits to put down other women who may have been competition.
(On the flip side, it also allowed women to form bonds with each other more easily. Women are better at emotional communication and cooperation than men. We form our in-group then chastize the out-group.)
This isn’t to say that all men are one way and all women are another. The point is, we all have differences. We work best when we use our strengths to compliment one another rather than tear each other down.
Toxic Femininity
Mean Girls is one of my favourite movies and probably the best visual depiction of ‘toxic femininity.’ (The Clique is another brilliant movie about young girl-on-girl cruelty and the ‘threat’ of the new girl). One of my favourite books, Only Ever Yours by Louise O’Neill, brilliantly depicts girl-on-girl hate and abuse. That book resonated with me so much because it perfectly encapsulates toxic female behaviour. If a girl is naive, vulnerable, sensitive or insecure, other girls will use that as prey and act by pretending to be that girl’s friend, and then dropping her once she is no longer useful. In my novella Psycho Girl, the protagonist Evelyn Baxter does this to most of the girls around her.
But does Evelyn do this because she’s a woman, or because she’s a psychopath? One can say that regardless of what kind of behaviour is used, toxic people are toxic people, just like loving people are loving regardless of how it come across. Regarding gender differences in expressing toxic traits, women are more likely to emit traits consistent with toxic femininity (and positive femininity). Likewise, men are more likely to emit traits consistent with toxic masculine behaviour.
Men have more masculine brains. Women have more feminine brains. I can be logical, independent, self-confident and assertive, but also caring, sensitive and empathetic. These traits are labelled as ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ because they are more typical of those genders, not because that is what society ‘forces’ men and women to be like.
Toxic Traits
We all use both negative and positive elements of these traits in our daily lives. The negative elements are the more ‘toxic’ traits, and the positive elements are the ones that make us win. Physical strength can be an asset for the Jon Snows of the world, but are toxic when used by the Ramsay Boltons. Sensitivity can be a drawback exploited by people walking all over you. But it can be an asset in helping others, or being channeled into creativity. (Artists are deeply sensitive creatures, after all).
So two main things here:
1. Everyone has positive and negative qualities.
2. Some are expressed more in men and some in women, but the execution isn’t what matters really. A bad person is a bad person regardless of gender.
I found the above YouTube video fascinating. Don’t agree with it all, but agree with a lot.
