Kill Your Friends (aka Americans and Guns)

I’m British. Now I’m no patriot, but there are several things I like about living in this country. The NHS. The general tolerant attitude to people of different ethnic backgrounds, religions and sexualities. The polite nature of the police. THE FACT THAT GUNS ARE ILLEGAL. As a British person, I have no idea why any country in the developed world would glorify guns. Other people I know who are also British have said the same thing. Why would people be so unbelievably stupid that they would actually be in favour of the legalisation of weapons?

I watch a lot of American YouTubers, and most of them, liberal and conservative, are in favour of the ‘second amendment.’ Sure, they think gun laws should be stricter, but they definitely don’t want to get rid of them.

You would think that the 1999 Columbine shooting; 2016 Orlando Massacre, 2012 ‘Joker’ movie theatre shooting of 71 (killing 12), thousands of deaths by firearms every year, approx 1.4 million people being killed by firearms in the US between 1968 and 2011, $516 million cost of tax payers having to pay for these gun related injuries when victims are hospitalized, gun control programs (which also cost money, no doubt), high number of gun related deaths in impoverished areas and ghettos, police brutality and shootings through use of firearms, ability to buy a gun aged 15 but not be able to buy alcohol until aged 21, less than 1% of guns actually being used in cases of self-defence, and a whole lot of other stuff I could go into would make Americans just a little bit cautious about the legislation of guns.

There is actually an amazing solution to this problem. It’s so simple, so powerful and so elaborate that even your puny American mind could digest it. I’VE GOT IT! Make guns illegal you retards. Firstly, I want to know why they want guns to be legal. Why would you want a gun in the first place? So you can go around murdering people? The fact that you would want to own a dangerous weapon is scary.

NOOO, IT’S ALL ABOUT SELF DEFENCE FROM BAD PEOPLE! (Except less than 1% of gun use actually involves self defence). So….if you can have a gun, and they can have a gun, then you can just gun each other to death right? Here’s a thought: what if no one had guns? Then you wouldn’t need to worry about ‘defending yourself.’ Ok yeah you would, but you would have to find other methods. The good news is; the bad guys would also have to find other methods. You could probably lock your doors and call the police faster.

These jackass Americans say stuff like ‘buh, it’s not the guns, it’s the people that own them!’ But why would you want to own one in the first place? Seriously, I’d like to know. I’m very intrigued. Target practice? Hunting? Rednecks in the South shooting at giant turkeys? I’m not even gonna bother addressing the rednecks; they’re crazy anyway. But why would an educated smart person want to own a gun and be in favour of them? Are you just an idiot? Has your American-ness brainwashed you? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO OWN A GUN? Why would you be comfortable about millions of people in the same country as you owning a gun? If guns were legal in Britain I would never leave my house. London, Leeds, Manchester and Birmingham would all be no-go areas.

If you love guns so much, play video games or watch The Sopranos. Live out your adrenalin thrill in a nice, safe way like the rest of us. But for Gods’ sake don’t vote in favour of them. Has it seriously not occurred to your stupid American brain that there is actually a correlation between guns being legal and the number of gun-related murders in America compared to the rest of the First World?

Nah, maybe not. I guess all Americans really are stupid.